It had been another day, another useless and meaningless day, in a useless and meaningless life. Of purpose, I had none. I simply went through the motions of life. I ignored what actual action I had to take. I hated myself. I tried not to talk to as many people as I could. I pretended like I was fine, though. The whole time. No one knew. I was lonely. I had nothing. I wanted nothing. No, that wasn’t true. I wanted very dearly, to die.
Yet, the fear of what people described as hell pulled me back. I was desperate. I went to church though, the only place where I felt as if people didn’t hate me. The only place I felt comfortable, not vulnerable. And I went to church that friday night. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I knelt to pray. Silent. And I thought, if there are so many praying people in the world, how can I make sure God listens to me? How can I make sure God feels my desperation? Then in that instant, I exploded. ”I’M TIRED OF THIS! GOOOOODDDDDD!!!!! JEESSUUUSS!! WHY? SHOW ME. TELL ME WHY I’M HERE. HOW COME LIFE SUCKS, THEN I DIE?? I WANT, IF YOU ARE THERE, I WANT TO MEET YOU. I NEED YOU. I HAVE NOTHING. TAKE ME.”
I thought all that was in my head, my heart, my spirit. But not only was it said in all those places, it was being shouted, screamed, yelled, cried out at the top of my lungs . Then suddenly, and most unexpectedly came a strong and powerful feeling, an overwhelming wind of emotion that jarred my body. And I saw. There were all the sins of my lifetime flashing before my eyes, piercing me. I saw, and I was afraid, I was scared. I felt dirty. I felt so sinful. I cried, and I cried, and I cried.
There I remain, crying.
Still crying, I went into the bathroom to wash my tears, watching the ground as I stumbled towards the sink. When I lifted my head I was terrified. I saw in the mirror the most terrifying thing, I wanted to scream, and I did. I saw a sinner. Shivering in fear, in guilt, I turned on the water. I scooped a handful of water, then dunked my face in.
Then I saw something else.
I saw Jesus, a heavy Cross on His back, walking. Then I saw my sins, my hands holding a hammer and nail. Slowly, violently, I saw my own hands nail Him there onto the cross. Each blow seemed to pulse through my spirit, and as the nail went deeper and deeper in, so much more flowing was His blood. I saw His blood, then I looked into His eyes. And I felt His love. Love? LOVE?? but, why, HOW? Once again I exploded. In tears, in gratefulness, in sorrow, in guilt, in shame, in thankfulness, in Love, in Grace, in God.
I lifted my face from the water. I looked into the mirror.
And I saw a beautiful child of God.
the testimony of your dear brother in Christ, inthekeyofKi (John Ki)